Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
11 episodes:
"To be able to smile and tell everyone this; i have, atleast, cried one litre of tears. "
A heart warming Japanese Series. A person with shallow tears will definitely cry with this series. This is about a 15 years old girl that was diagnose with an incurable disease. Her name was Aya; smart, love sports (basketball), good with everyone, and loved by everyone young lady.
Aya didn't easily accepts her disease just like others who was also diagnose with some diseases. But with the help of her family, friends, and everyone that understand and believe in her she accepts it and sees life differently. After 10 years of suffering, she died at the age of 25.
This is a series that will definitely touches your heart. And gave you courage to live on and make the most out of it. A series that might change the way you see the life in front of you.
screenshots from the series:
>>> 15-year-old Ikeuchi Aya was an ordinary girl, the daughter of a family who works at a tofu shop, and a soon-to-be high schooler. However, odd things have been happening to Aya lately. She has been falling down often and walks strange. Her mother, Shioka, takes Aya to see the doctor, and he informs Shioka that Aya has spinocerebellar degeneration - a terrible disease where the cerebellum of the brain gradually deteriorates to the point where the victim cannot walk, speak, write, or eat. A cruel disease, as it does not affect the mind in the least. How will Aya react when told about her disease? And how will Aya live from now on?
Cast
* Sawajiri Erika as Ikeuchi Aya (15-20)
* Yakushimaru Hiroko as Ikeuchi Shioka (40-51)
* Nishikido Ryo as Asou Haruto (15-20)
* Jinnai Takanori as Ikeuchi Mizuo (45-56)
* Narumi Riko as Ikeuchi Ako (13-18)
* Fujiki Naohito as Mizuno Hiroshi (33-44)
* Koide Saori as Sugiura Mari (15-18)
* Sanada Yuma as Ikeuchi Hiroki (11-16)
* Miyoshi Ai as Ikeuchi Rika (5-10)
* Matsuyama Kenichi as Kawamoto Yuji (17)
* Matsumoto Kana as Matsumura Saki (15-18)
* Mizutani Momosuke as Onda Kohei (15-18)
* Hashizume Ryo as Nakahara Keita (15-18)
* Katsuno Hiroshi as Asou Yoshifumi (50-55)
* Oonishi Asae as Oikawa Asumi (16-17)
* Hamaoka Maya (浜丘麻矢) as Oikawa Kikue
* Kato Kazuko as Fujimura Madoka
* Tonesaku Toshihide as Takano Kiichi
* Sato Shigeyuki as Nishino (homeroom teacher)
* Aoi
* Kawahara Makoto
* Endo Yuya
* Hoshino Natsuko
* Sato Yuki as Asou Keisuke
* Umoto Yuki (兎本有紀)
* Kawaguchi Shouhei
* Kurita Yoko
* Nakada Yuya
* Okumura Tomofumi
Production Credits
* Original work: Kito Aya (木藤亜也)
* Screenwriters: Egashira Michiru, Oshima Satomi, Yokota Rie
* Producer: Kashikawa Satoko
* Director: Murakami Masanori
* Music: Ueda Susumu (上田益)
Episode Titles
* Ep 01: The beginning of my youth
* Ep 02: 15 years old, sickness that steals up
* Ep 03: Why did the illness chose me?
* Ep 04: Solitude of two people
* Ep 05: A handicapped person's notebook
* Ep 06: Heartless glances
* Ep 07: The place where I am
* Ep 08: 1 litre of tears
* Ep 09: I live now
* Ep 10: Love letter
* Ep 11: Faraway, to a place where there are no tears left to cry
Reviews
by Daemonneko
Based on a true story, One Litre of Tears is about the life story Kitou Aya (1962-1988) a girl who had an incurable disease called Spinocerebellar Degeneration Disease (also known as SCA type 2; spinocerebellar ataxia type 2)at a young age of 15. Although the girl in the drama - Ikeuchi Aya, lived in the 21st century, her character was based on Kitou Aya's life, how she struggled and fought her disease and how she wrote her deepest thoughts until the last day she could hold a pen. Before she died, her writings were published including the poems she wrote while she is staying in a school for the disabled. This gave new hopes to people who suffers the same disease as she did and soon Aya received letters of appreciation and thanks from those people. At the age of 25, she succumbed herself into a sleep where she could no longer feel any pain.
Ichi Rittoru no Namida is a heart-warming drama that will make people happy for the simple fact that they are alive, and will give hope to those who suffers from diseases and will make them think positive about living instead of giving up easily.
I give this drama two-thumbs up!
Special
DVD Cover for 1 Litre of Tears Special
Episode 1
* Note: Japanese names are commonly on a last name-first name basis compared to first name-last name in the West.
The drama begins just before Aya is struck with a tragic illness, called Spinocerebellar Degeneration, in which the nerve cells of areas necessary for the human body to move and balance - including the cerebellum, brain stem, and spinal cord - are destroyed with time.
15-year-old Ikeuchi Aya is the eldest daughter of a typical Japanese family. She lives with her cheerful and reliable mother, ; father, Mizuo, owner of a tofu shop; younger sisters Ako and Rika, and younger brother Hiroki.
On the day of her high school entrance exam, Aya is full of energy as she leaves the house. However, she falls asleep on the bus and misses her stop. She hurriedly gets off and starts running, then trips and injures her knee. That's when she meets Aso Haruto, who was planning to skip the exam. As it started to rain, he gives her a ride on his bicycle to school where the exam will be given. Aya is allowed to take the exam in the school nurse's office, and manages to pass.
When the new semester begins, Aya is elected class rep, and joins the basketball team. On the boys team is someone she's had eyes for, which add to the things she look forward to.
Amidst her happy days at school, Aya begins to experience physical difficulties. She often drops food from her chopsticks while eating, can't pour drinks without spilling it, and occasionally wobbles while she walks. Aya's mother Shioka, a former nurse, is the only person who notices these changes.
One day, Aya is about to leave home as usual when she starts to run, trips over her own feet and falls. She failed to use her hand to break the fall, causing her to land on her face and making her bleed heavily. This injury soon reveals the existence of Aya's fateful disease...
Episode 2
Aya's mother Shioka is thinking about what Dr. Mizuno, the neurologist doctor treating her daughter's illness, told her on the last visit as she goes to pick up Aya's medicine prescription from the hospital. She goes to see Dr. Mizuno to ask him for the MRI scans so she can see other doctors for a second opinion.
At school, Aya is enjoying herself with her friends Sugiura Mari and Matsumura Saki as they eat lunch and later talk about the school song. They ask Tomita-san, the girl who likes Haruto, to play the piano for their chorus but she only agrees when Haruto tells her to. Meanwhile, Shioka is researching Aya's illness and is finding out the effects the disease will have on Aya. In gym class, Aya is chosen to participate in next week's basketball game with Kita High and is encouraged by Kawamoto-senpai, her school crush.
Shioka is visiting other doctor's hoping to find a better explanation or a cure but to no avail. At home, the family is viewing the photo album and are acting happily as Aya tells them she is playing in a basketball game next week. Everyone agrees on showing their support for her.
In the Aso household, Dr. Aso is telling Haruto of his expectation for him to do well in the upcoming exams, but Haruto retreats into his room where he recalls a childhood memory of a conversation between him and his deceased older brother Keisuke on their camping/fishing trip.
At home, Shioka is a little startled when Ako finds her reading late at night. The next day, Aya is visiting a doctor about her injury and meets a little girl named Yuka. They play ball while Yuka is waiting for her dad's exam to finish. Aya feels strange when Yuka mentions her dad getting a similar injury on his chin. Aya leaves before she sees Yuka's father.
While leaving a patient's house, Shioka notices a book that fell out of her bag and goes off to do more research. In the park, Aya meets and talks with Haruto again when she drops by to see the stray puppy from last time.
Shioka comes home only to drive off again to meet with a doctor specialising in the spinocerebellar atrophy disease. Meanwhile, Ako asks Aya if she is diseased because she is losing weight without dieting. Shioka meets with Dr. Miyamoto Shintaro to talk about a possible cure or operation for Aya but again she finds no solution. She returns home to tell Mizuo about Aya's disease.
The next day, Shioka and Mizuo persuade everyone to go support Aya at her basketball match. At the game, Aya's parents try to put on brave faces as they watch Aya play. Haruto and his friends Onda Kouhei and Nakahara are also there watching. After the game, Aya walks with Kawamoto-senpai and is reminded of a past memory they shared.
Later at night, Aya returns to the park to feed the stray puppy but walks off when Haruto arrives with the same intention. He persuades her to adopt the puppy. Aya brings the puppy home and Haruto is invited to join the Ikeuchi's for dinner.
The next day, Shioka and Mizuo visit Dr. Mizuno together to talk about Aya's disease. At school, Aya is conducting the music lesson.
Later at the clinic, Aya is told by Dr. Mizuno that she will need to start rehabilitation. While Shioka continues talking to Dr. Mizuno, Aya helps Yuka with the taking the groceries to Yuka's father's room. On the way home, Aya questions her mother about her illness.
Episode 3
Aya is practicing in gym class and recalls asking her mother Shioka about her illness. At home, Shioka and Mizuo contemplate about letting Aya know the truth about her disease. At school, Aya is conducting the music lesson again.
At the clinic, Shioka asks Dr. Mizuno not to tell Aya of her disease just yet. In the school hallway, Aya gives Haruto a disc so he can practice the class song properly. She experiences blurriness in her vision again and drops her music sheets.
At home, the family is eating and Ako asks her father to go shopping with her on Sunday but he teasingly turns her down while Shioka tells Aya to let someone walk with her whenever she wants to go out.
After gym class, Kawamoto-senpai asks Aya to go on a date with him to shop for shoes. He buys her matching shoe laces. On their way, Aya fails to move out of the way and is knocked over when some kids are running her way.
Haruto is obligated to attend a memorial for his brother Keisuke at a family reunion and is defiant over a discussion he overhears regarding the future and university. He goes outside to listen to his MD and recalls another memory of his brother when his father, Dr. Aso, scolds him.
Meanwhile, Aya and Rika are playing with Ganmo, the stray pup now adopted, when Mizuo suggests going out as Ako gets upset because he refused to go shopping with her. Aya lies about going out with Mari and heads with a bunch of flowers to visit the hospital. She bumps into Dr. Aso and they talk a while.
Aya goes to visit Yuka and her father and questions Yuka's mother about her husband's illness. Aya decides to see Dr. Mizuno, who is off duty, and looks for him to talk elsewhere from the hospital.
In music class, Aya is spacing out and the class doesn't perform well. She drops her music sheets again. The class notice Haruto, the male class rep, is not there. Aya finds him in the biology club. Haruto upsets Aya as they talk.
At Jhunon hospital, Dr. Mizuno is looking after Yuka's father and recalls the voice of a former patient of his. At the Ikeuchi household, Mizuo finds Shioka in Aya's room frantically looking through her diary. Ako returns home to be ignored by her mother when she tries to show her award painting.
Aya is late and the family is worried. Ako gets irritated by the family constantly giving their attention to Aya and says something out of line to which Shioka slaps her. Aya is at school, looking up the illness of Yuka's father. Haruto happens to come by as Aya challenges his actions from his words earlier.
Haruto returns home to be questioned by his father over his relationship with Aya. Aya returns home, lying about her whereabouts. The next day, the class are practicing before the big vocal contest. Aya directs the class more confidently. Haruto approaches her challenging Aya's words from last night.
The family prepare to go see Aya perform when Dr. Mizuno makes a house visit. Shioka talks to him alone in the house as he tells her of a past experience with a former patient with the same illness. He tries to persuade Shioka to inform Aya of her disease.
Shioka joins an emotional Mizuo in watching Aya perform. After the contest, Haruto returns to the biology lab and recalls Aya's words from last night and decides to find out what she was looking at on the computer. At the clinic, Dr. Mizuno is about to tell Aya about her illness when she shocks them with her knowledge instead.
Episode 4
Aya and her parent's take a taxi home from the clinic as she recalls the truth about her illness. The three of them decide to hide it from the other children as Aya heads to her room in a daze. At dinner, Shioka goes to see Aya in her room. Aya tells her mother she will be strong as Shioka tries to give her hope. However, both break into tears. Shioka questions Mizuo whether it was a good idea to tell Aya the truth but Mizuo reassures her.
The next day, the other kids question Aya's behavior as the parents worry but Aya acts cheerfully instead. On the way to school, Aya contemplates how her world has changed forever. In class, Haruto stares at Aya as he remembers their last encounter in the biology lab when Tomita approaches him.
In gym class, Aya is feeling more physical difficulty and is replaced by Mari on the team. Shioka is visiting Dr. Mizuno again to update on Aya's condition. At night, Aya is writing in her diary about her illness.
The next day in class, Mari tells the other girls she is dating Kouhei Onda, Haruto's best friend, while they question Aya about asking Kawamoto-senpai to the fireworks display. He just so happens to come by to invite Aya for the occasion. Aya agrees. At home, Aya tells her mother about being asked out by Kawamoto-senpai and asks how she should reject him. Shioka encourages Aya to go. Ako catches Aya blushing as she looks at her calendar in their bedroom.
On the fireworks night, Shioka fixes up Aya's yukata as she heads out to meet Kawamoto-tachi. Ako goes too, but without a yukata. Aya and Kawamoto-senpai are dubbed the new 'basketball couple' as Haruto spots them from far behind. As they cross a street, Aya's body fail to move again and she falls forward, striking her head on the cement. She is taken to hospital immediately.
Dr. Mizuno talks to the Ikeuchi's about Aya's condition again. At home, the children, especially Ako, are becoming suspicious over Aya's behavior. Mizuo goes off privately and cries over the situation. In the hospital, Dr. Mizuno introduces Aya to Dr. Tanabe, her new rehabilitation doctor. Mizuno and Tanabe walk off talking about Aya knowing of her condition.
At school, the homeroom teacher tells the PE class about Aya being hospitalized as Mari and Saki decide to visit Aya. Kawamoto-senpai's friend tells him he chose the wrong girl to like. At home, Ako reluctantly agrees to help her fatherout at the store while Shioka goes to see Aya.
At the hospital, Aya's friends come to visit her and bring her gifts. As the classmates leave, they talk about Haruto not coming and Tomita reveals how Haruto lost his onii-san Keisuke. Later, Ako takes Ganmo the pup out for a walk and runs into Haruto.
Kawamoto-senpai decides to visit Aya in hospital and sees her during her rehabilitation session. Aya apologizes for causing trouble for him as Dr. Mizuno gives Aya permission to go out on her senpai's birthday. Senpai doesn't look very happy. Later, Aya is having more tests done on her condition. Haruto makes a surprise visit to see Aya at the hospital. The two go out on the roof to talk.
As Haruto leaves the hospital, he observes Dr. Mizuno and decides to do some research. At school, Haruto overhears how Kawamoto-senpai plans to dump Aya. Aya is preparing to go out on her date with Kawamoto-senpai as Haruto is heading to the hospital to see her. Dr. Tanabe tells him that Aya already left for her date. Haruto runs out after her.
Meanwhile, Aya is standing in the heavy rain outside the Zoo as Haruto arrives with an umbrella. He tells her that senpai won't be coming. She thanks him, and he brushes it off by talking about penguins instead.
Episode 5
In hospital, Aya is feeling down when Dr. Tanabe and Dr. Mizuno tell her she only needs two more injections before she can be released. Aya is pessimistic about any improvement. At school, Shioka is talking to the homeroom teacher about Aya's illness and as he promises the classes' support and guidance for Aya.
Shioka makes a quick visit to the gym and reminisces how Aya used to play so well. Haruto has a quick talk with her before Kawamoto-senpai and his friend walk past. Haruto mentions to Kawamoto-senpai how Aya waited so long in the rain for him.
Shioka is visiting Dr. Mizuno again as he suggest applying for the disability card for Aya. Shioka is against the idea but takes the form with her anyway. In the hospital room, Ako is helping to pack Aya's things for her. On the way out, Ako sees the way Aya is walking and feels something is very wrong. Aya is welcomed warmly back at home but even Ako who pretends to be normal feels indifferent.
Shioka promises to buy Hiroki a new pair of soccer shoes. When the kids leave, Shioka tries to tell Mizuo about applying for the disability card to Mizuo's outrage.
The next day, Aya is taking a taxi to school. Ako voices her concern over the situation but the parents play down the situation again. Meanwhile, Mari and Saki are waiting at the school gate for Aya. Haruto arrives just in time to watch Aya walk unsteadily past the gates.
In class, the homeroom teacher tells the class about Aya's condition and to help her out but Aya feels uncomfortable about it already. At Shioka's workplace, a patient's wife talks to her and shows Shioka her husband's disability card, making her think about getting it or not.
Back in class, the homeroom teacher appoints a new female class rep to which Tomita volunteers. Haruto tricks Kouhei into taking his place as male class rep, to Tomita's dismay. After class, Aya and her friends talk. As Haruto and his friends prepare to leave, Aya calls to him but stumbles. The others leave hurriedly to give them some privacy.
Aya finds comfort in talking to Haruto. The girls are late for basketball practice and Aya feels left out again. Kawamoto-senpai and his friend talk about finding a new girl. In the bio lab, Haruto researches Aya's suspected disease again.
Back at the tofu shop, Mizuo picks up Aya as Hiroki watches the shop. Aya is watching her friends depart as Kawamoto-senpai approaches her for a moment but leaves when he sees his friends. Aya is picked up by her father but notices the strange glances from her schoolmates.
At home, Aya explains she wants to walk to school instead. At the Aso household, Mrs. Aso tells Dr. Aso about Haruto studying and taking out books from Keisuke's room. Dr. Aso goes into Haruto's room only to find him asleep on a pile of books on his desk. Meanwhile, Aya is having trouble writing. Aya, as well as Mari and Saki who helps her, is late for class again and gets into trouble for it.
During PE, Haruto finds Aya in a classroom by herself watching her classmates when she suddenly faints and is sent to hospital. Shioka hurriedly arrives to see Aya while Haruto and the homeroom teacher wait outside her hospital room.
Dr. Mizuno leaves as Haruto goes to see him in his office to talk about Aya's condition. Haruto finds his dad waiting outside for him as they go off and talk about illnesses and being doctors. Dr. Aso tells Haruto to leave Aya be if he is just pitying her. Haruto refuses.
At home, Shioka and Mizuo are arguing loudly over what to do about Aya when Ako walks in on them, and she interrupts them and says, if they want to make such a point in hiding things from the children, then they should hide it completely. Aya manages to fall down the stairs just then. It is then that Shioka and Mizuo decide to tell the rest of the family the truth about Aya's illness. Hiroki and Rika are supportive but Ako finds it hard to believe and questions them.
At school, Aya is practicing shooting basketballs for the last time when Haruto interrupts her. She tells him to help her gather up all the balls on the court. On their way out, Aya asks Haruto to be on guard for her while she has some unfinished business to take care of. Kawamoto-senpai is walking across the bridge when he gets a phone call from Aya. Later, Aya and Haruto are walking slowly together.
Episode 6
Aya and her mother are walking Ganmo out somewhere as Aya thinks about her physical condition. People passing by are giving her strange glances as they see Hiroki in the distance and call out to him. Hiroki is practicing his soccer skills as Aya and her mother watch. Aya decides to help her brother by scribbling a pretend goal on the wall for him to aim at.
On their way home, Hiroki retrieves a runaway Ganmo but overhears some strange ladies talking about Aya behind her back. At the hospital, Aya is doing some leg exercises with Dr. Mizuno and Dr. Tanabe. Shioka still believes in the little bit of hope for Aya as Dr. Mizuno reads the diary Aya is keeping to see her handwriting and daily occurences. He is anxious when he reads something disturbing Aya wrote. At home, Mizuo is happy about his tofu business as the family have dinner together.
At school, Aya approaches Haruto as he is measuring the water in a tank. He takes her mind off her physical disability and makes her work with him in the bio lab. They don't realize that Tomita and her friend are observing them. Tomita's friend warns her that if she is not careful, Haruto will be stolen away by Aya. Tomita is in denial.
Back at home, Aya volunteers to watch the tofu shop while her father goes out. Mizuo is out trying to persuade a potential employer to try his tofu out. It turns out that this person is Onda-san, Kouhei's father. Kouhei comes out and introduces them and Onda-san is persuaded to try out Ikeuchi's tofu, but seemingly out of pity.
At the tofu shop, a customer comes by but serves herself after seeing Aya there. Ako arrives to help out. Meanwhile, Dr. Mizuno is researching more on spinocerebellar atrophy when Dr. Tanabe enters. Dr. Mizuno plans to see another doctor about Aya's condition.
Haruto and his friends Kouhei and Nakahara are in the bio lab when Tomita enters to scold Kouhei over his responsibility as male class rep. She asks Haruto if he needs help but he brushes it off. Nakahara and Kouhei ask Haruto if he can be a bit nicer to Tomita because she likes him.
On the way home from school, Haruto sees Aya catching the bus. Aya shows her disability card to the driver and is offered a seat by a lady. She reluctantly accepts but feels the cold glances.
Hiroki is chosen as forward for a soccer game and earns the admiration of his fellow players at the expense of another boy, Nakama-kun. Back at home, the family is celebrating for Hiroki as he tells Aya subtly that she does not need to come support him. In her room, Aya is sewing something on a shirt for Hiroki as Ako comes to talk and watch her.
Meanwhile, Mizuo is telling Shioka over the selling of his tofu to Onda-san out of pity but Shioka explains to him that it's alright. The next day, Aya and Ako are out shopping for Hiroki when a small boy asks Aya about her walking behavior. Hiroki's soccer mates and Nakama-kun recognize Aya as his sister. Later, while Hiroki is playing soccer alone, Nakama-kun and his friends from earlier bully Hiroki over Aya. Haruto watches as Hiroki's ball is kicked into the lake.
Hiroki returns home upset, and tells Aya not to come to the game. Haruto comes by the Ikeuchi house and returns the ball to Hiroki. On the way out, Haruto tells Hiroki to take care of the ball and his nee-chan more. Aya comes out to say thanks and goodbye to Haruto. The next day, Aya goes out with Mari and Saki.
After they leave, Shioka asks Ako to take something to Hiroki who is out on the soccer field. As she arrives at the field, Hiroki's soccer mates taunt him over Aya. Ako pushes Nakama-kun down and drags Hiroki back home and scolds him for not defending Aya. The family have an emotional talk.
Aya overhears everything, decides to go out by herself for a while and arrives home late for dinner. Aya tells Hiroki she can't go to his game because she has plans with Mari and Saki. Nevertheless, Aya gives Hiroki the present she bought him.
The next day, Aya is with Haruto in the bio lab when he questions her why she isn't attending Hiroki's game? Haruto tells her to go because Hiroki feels guilty about what happened already. Aya starts laughing when she sees something on Haruto's face.
At home, Hiroki prepares for his soccer match as Aya lays in bed. Ako asks her if she is still going out with Mari and Saki and Aya confirms. However, Ako tells her to look at what's on the table and Aya is persuaded to go support her brother at his game.
Episode 7
The Ikeuchi family is going to the temple to do some well-wishing. Aya recalls what she wrote in her diary about relying more on the help on others nowadays since the new year. Mizuo sets up a camera for a family photo. At home, the Ikeuchi's are eating and everybody seems to be quite happy and adjusted.
At school, Mari and Saki await Aya's arrival as they help her up the stairs with her wheelchair. Haruto arrives at the classroom noticing the wheelchair in the hallway. Aya feels happy to be amongst her friends. In class, Aya is thinking about the 'future path' and asks Haruto about what he will do in the bio lab. Haruto recalls the same words of his onii-san which Aya just spoke. Haruto tries to keep Aya in the bio lab instead of having her wait for her mother.
Haruto wheels Aya out in the hallway as she stops to hear the creaking sound of the wooden floor. She explains to him how much she likes this sound.
In history class, Aya is trying to keep up with the lesson at the slow expense of her fellow classmates. Haruto stares at Aya again as she tells the class to move on without her. Meanwhile, Shioka receives a call from the homeroom teacher for a meeting. They meet at school along with the principal (kyoto-sensei) to discuss how Aya is hindering the class's performance. She is uncomfortable when they mention sending her to a school better equipped for disabled children. Later, Shioka meets Aya and Haruto outside to take her home.
During the rehabilitation session, Aya is given weights for her legs so she can walk better. Shioka sees Dr. Mizuno who agrees it may be better to send her to a special disability school. Later, Dr. Mizuno is at a neurologist seminar taking lessons from Dr. Okazaki, a well-respected doctor/professor in neurology. They talk about the spinocerebellar atrophy disease.
At school, Aya hands in her 'future path' form to her homeroom teacher. In gym class, Mari and the others find out that Aya has quit the basketball club. An upset Mari runs out to confront Aya who was about to leave the school grounds just then.
Later, Shioka is visiting a disability school recommended by Dr. Mizuno. She is greeted by another girl with the same disease, and her mother. Asumi is a very lively girl despite her illness being more advanced. Asumi's mother and Shioka talk about Asumi's disease. Asumi delivers a moving speech to Shioka before she leaves.
In her room, Aya is looking at old pictures from school when her mother enters to talk with her. In class, Mari hands Aya her notes to copy and runs off with Saki. Haruto wheels Aya outside as Aya talks the fight she and Mari had. Shioka picks them up and invites a reluctant Haruto to dinner. Haruto is reluctant because Mizuo scares him.
At dinner, Haruto is sitting next to Mizuo and being offered a lot of food. Later, Haruto and Aya sit outside as he greets a grown up Ganmo. The nexy day, Saki is solely helping Aya up the stairs without Mari as Kouhei and Nakahara help take her wheelchair upstairs. Mari watches on. Aya finds Mari on the rooftop and they speak about the past. They make up as Mari wheels her out.
At home, Aya is alone with Rika when she finds information about the disability school in a drawer. At dinner, Aya is in a daze again over the situation. Aya later confronts her parents about them visiting the disability school. She tells them she wants to choose her own future and they all agree.
The next day, Shioka is having a PTA meeting as Ako wheels Aya through school. They go to support the basketball team and Aya is given a present from the team. At the PTA meeting, the parents of Aya's classmates are voicing their concern over the class's low performance because of Aya. Shioka begs for a little more time to give her daughter and Haruto passes by and overhears the whole discussion.
Episode 8
After the basketball game, Ako wheels Aya back out to meet their mother with Mari and Saki. They see the parents from the PTA meeting leaving and feel a bit concerned of how it went. Shioka arrives and pretends everything is alright. At home, Rika is practicing her performance for her graduation show before dinner.
At the Aso household, Mrs. Aso and her husband are discussing the events at the PTA meeting as Haruto interrupts them discussing Aya's future at the school. Dr. Aso tells Haruto he wouldn't understand because he is still a kid.
Meanwhile, Shioka and Mizuo too discuss Aya's future at the school. Haruto watches on as Aya, to everyone's dismay, is having difficulties keeping up in English class again. In between classes, Mari and Saki wheel Aya through the hallway as they observe the new ichinen-sei (high school freshmen) arrive for an induction at Higashikou.
Aya is studying in the bio lab as Haruto looks on. He shows her some school pictures of class events and gives some encouraging words, surprising Aya. She questions her future at the school as Shioka interrupts them to ease the tension. At home, Shioka breaks the news to the family that she plans to quit her job to help Aya at school. Aya is against it as everyone is worried about the family's income.
Later, Mizuo discusses Shioka's decision to quit her job. In her room, Aya is writing in her diary as Ako starts to ask her something but decided against it and stops in mid-sentence. Meanwhile, Dr. Mizuno is visited by Dr. Aso as they talk about Aya and how she has affected everybody in terms of courage.
At school, Aya is helped by Mari again as two distant classmates help her with her wheelchair. Tomita and her friend look on irritably. Tomita runs after Haruto to question him about Aya. Haruto is serious about Tomita's remark; he shoves her against the wall and warns her.
Meanwhile, Mizuo is testing out a more advanced wheelchair for Aya but is worried about the expense. Later, Aya overhears her parents talk about Mizuo taking up another job to support the income. Aya is feeling guilty. The next day, Aya is helped up the stairs again by Mari but slips and falls backward onto Mari, worrying everyone. Aya is sitting in the nurse's office when Mari comes in to reassure her, but Aya notices Mari's injured hand and knows she won't be able to participate in this week's basketball game.
At home, Aya is thinking about school and her mother when Ako enters. Ako decided to ask the question she failed to earlier. The next day, Mari and Saki seem to lose their spirit in helping Aya. The class is silent when Aya enters. Aya leaves early as Mari and Saki return to class just in time for Tomita to stage a class discussion over Aya.
Aya overhears most of it from outside when Haruto challenges everybody's intentions - to the class's astonishment - and stands up for Aya, seemingly the only one to be loyal to her at this point when he notices her listening in from outside. Aya retrieves the book she had come back for and leaves as Haruto runs after her while the class is left speechless.
Haruto offers to carry Aya down stairs, and wheels her out onto the bridge when Aya bursts into tears. Haruto, who usually finds words of comfort, has none to give and sheds his own tears instead. Aya decides to say goodbye at that point.
Later, Aya and the family go to watch Rika perform at her graduation. When they come out Aya talks strangely, worrying the family, as she voices her decision on enrolling at the disability school. At school the next day, Aya gives a farewell speech to her class while Shioka waits outside the classroom. Everyone is too teary-eyed and weepy to continue studies. Haruto runs out after Aya and her family, followed by Mari, Saki and then the whole class.
Haruto calls out to Aya as the class assemble, and they slowly start to sing the 3/9 song to her that they had practiced for the vocal contest.
Episode 9
It's been a couple months and Aya is attending the disability school now. She is presented with a new automatic wheelchair and test-drives it. Aya feels better using it as it is more mobile. At home, Shioka and Mizuo talk.
Mizuo happens to pass a bicycle-riding Haruto on the way home from somewhere and makes him help in carrying a big bag of rice. Aya is surprised to see Haruto again. Mizuo embarrasses Haruto by singing the 3/9 song and drags him into the living room. They all have dinner together as Rika is presented with a gift.
Aya is also given a gift in the form of a new cell phone, so the family can contact her easier. Haruto immediately asks for her number but Mizuo intercepts as Haruto and Aya exchange amused glances over the table. Later outside, Aya and Haruto are talking as he pets Ganmo, and tries to get Aya's number again only to be rejected for the second time.
Bicycling on the way to school, Haruto observes the Higashikou basketball team doing their morning jog as the new spring arrives. Meanwhile, Aya is settling into her new school. Shioka leaves feeling saddened and teary-eyed as she walks out of the school grounds.
Later, Aya meets Asumi, the girl with the same illness that Shioka met before, for the first time and is surprised to hear she has the same disease, but she thinks Asumi is a very cute girl. At home, Mizuo tries to call Aya on her new cell phone for the first time but finds the number busy and wonders who in the world she could be talking to. Ako teases how Aya must be talking to Aso-kun right now and Mizuo tries to re-dial.
Dr. Aso returns home to overhear from the corridor Haruto talking on the phone with Aya. Aya finishes talking to Haruto and views her handwriting which seems to have gotten worse. Meanwhile, Shioka is talking to Dr. Mizuno again about Aya's condition.
The next day, Aya is in gym and is handed a ball when Asumi comes up to her to talk about their teacher and her boyfriend. Aya finds Asumi to be a sweet girl. She is walking up her classroom thinking how afraid she is of what's happening to her. Her physical mobility is increasingly difficult and she is moving very slowly at this stage.
The next day, Haruto is at the library with his friends when he sees Ako studying. He talks to her, pointing out mistakes she made in her homework. In the evening, Haruto is calling Aya on her cell phone again. He aranges a date with her to go to the aquarium. Asumi asks if he is her boyfriend but Aya claims he is just a school classmate.
Later, Dr. Aso comes into Haruto's room and talks to him about Aya again. He asks if they are dating but Haruto can not explain and his father tells him to think about the situation with Aya's illness. The next day, Haruto meets Aya at her school for their date and Asumi comes to see them off. On the way, Aya explains that Asumi has the same illness as her.
At the aquarium, Aya is having a good time viewing the marine creatures when Haruto momentarily leaves. Later outside, Haruto fixes a dolphin chain to Aya's phone, matching his own. He goes to buy drinks when Aya is approached by a woman and her daughter for directions. Aya starts to find difficulties in speech and decides to point instead of speaking. On the way home, Haruto and Aya misses the bus and Haruto tries to call a taxi for them, when it starts to rain heavily.
Meanwhile, the Ikeuchi family is worrying about Aya's whereabouts as Haruto and Aya are brought back home in a special disability taxi. Shioka momentarily yells at Haruto as he takes responsibility for what happened. Once back inside, Shioka says Aya will be fine and both parties apologize for what happened.
Shioka talks seriously to Haruto about Aya, who happens to be in the room next door listening in. Both, Haruto and Aya seem to be hurt by Shioka's wise words. Haruto heads home in the rain with an umbrella when Aya calls him on the cell phone to apologize. Her speech is getting worse. Aya tells him how she believes they seem to be living in different worlds and hangs up crying.
At Jhunon hospital, Aya's speech is being examined by Dr. Mizuno. Haruto is returning books to the library again and meets Ako. Ako goes outside to talk to Haruto about Aya again and how she is trying her best in her studies for her. Haruto says Ako is truly Aya's little sister.
On the way home, Haruto leaves his friends and runs to Aya. At the disability school, Aya is watering the plants when Haruto arrives, seeing her for the first time since their last phone conversation. Aya is trying her best to talk but becomes teary-eyed. Haruto speaks and confesses that he likes her. Aya thanks him.
Aya is parting ways with Asumi on her way to her classroom while Haruto is at home filling out the 'future path' form. At Aya's school, the Ikeuchi family is visiting her and surprise her with Ako wearing Aya's Higashikou uniform -- she had passed the entrance exam. Aya is very happy.
Episode 10
Aya and her parents are making another visit to Dr. Mizuno where Aya is doing speech rehabilitation. Just a few moments later, Dr. Mizuno is discussing Aya's condition with her parents while she is doing walking exercises elsewhere. This is becoming increasingly difficult for her.
Later, Aya is at the disability school receiving her graduating diploma as Shioka and Mizuo walk behind her. Aya's teachers, Madoka and Takano-sensei come to talk with her and show Aya's parents her handwritten display work to them.
Elsewhere, Haruto is taking the college entrance exam. Meanwhile, Shioka is packing Aya's things into the car as Aya is looking back at the school she is now leaving. The year is now 2008, it's been three years since Aya was diagnosed with spinocerebellar atrophy disease. At home, everyone is welcoming Aya back. The family has rearranged her bed into the next room downstairs for convenience. Rika has also grown up a bit.
Later, Aya is writing in her diary and practicing her speech to herself. During rehabiliation, Aya is recalling her difficulties and feelings.
One evening, Aya and her family are having a large dinner with Mari, Saki, Nakahara, Kouhei and Haruto as guests. Aya congratulates Haruto on his successful exam results. Her schoolmates tell of what colleges they've applied or been accepted to as Aya quietly listens and watches everyone.
Meanwhile, Dr. Mizuno is in the science lab testing out mice in relation to the spinocerebellar atrophy disease. He slams his pen over his desk in frustration. During the day, Haruto is wheeling Aya through his college campus as Aya feels down at being unable to be 'normal', especially when she sees other couples, knowing she is unable to be like them with Haruto.
Later, Aya is doing rehabilitation again as Haruto watches by the door. Dr. Mizuno comes by and talks with him about Aya. Back at home, Shioka is in a hurry and finds Aya's diary, having accidentally thrown it down while grabbing her phone. Mizuo comes over to ask Shioka what's wrong?
In Jhunon hospital, Shioka comes by to pick up Aya who is with Dr. Mizuno. However Aya has something important to say to them. Later, Aya is back in the same hospital room she was in before as Ako accompanies her. Aya is feeling sad again.
Meanwhile, Shioka is visited by Takano-sensei as he tells her he is getting married to Madoka-sensei and has extended an invite for Aya to attend his wedding to the other teacher.
Haruto is on his way to visit Aya with some flowers and happens to meet his father Dr. Aso in the hallway. He nods and passes him by just as Shioka is there to meet and talk with Dr. Aso. They go outside to talk. Meanwhile, Haruto gives Aya the beautiful flowers and she is happy to have them. Dr. Aso continues talking to Shioka but he expresses his concern over Aya and Haruto's relationship, that it may hurt them both.
Back in the hospital room. Aya is expressing her feelings to Haruto who sits on the next bed and listens carefully. Shioka then happens to come by and tells Aya about Madoka-sensei's wedding invitation. She invites Haruto to come also and Haruto happily accepts, telling Aya he'll be able to rent a tuxedo.
Later, Aya is sitting in her wheelchair on the roof and watches as Haruto walks below with his friends from university. Aya is now back in the hospital room and needs to use the bathroom. As she tries to get into her wheelchair, she falls to the ground just as Haruto enters the room. Aya is telling him not to come near for she has accidentally wet herself on the floor.
Shioka and Ako happen to walk in right after that. Shioka begs a reluctant Haruto to leave as Ako is sent out to fetch something. Shioka comforts an upset and crying Aya as she helps her up. Haruto is standing in the hallway feeling helpless and leaves for class. Later, Aya is sitting on her bed spacing out as Shioka tries to control her tears while cleaning the floor.
At night, Aya is alone in her hospital bed. She manages to get to a nearby phone and tries to dial but she trembles too much and the phone rejects her call. Meanwhile back at home, Shioka is worried and decides to head to Jhunon hospital to check on Aya. Mizuo wants to come along but Ako stops him so Shioka leaves alone.
As she gets to the hospital, Shioka is frantically looking for Aya everywhere and finds her slumped forward near the pay phone. Aya expresses her feelings to her mother and begs for her to help her. Shioka puts on a brave face and wheels Aya back to her room and shows her, her study books, trying to give her courage. Mother and daughter have an emotional hug.
Later at night, Aya is practicing her writing again when she glimpses over at the dolphin necklace Haruto gave her. She decides to write him a letter. The next day is Madoka and Takano-sensei's wedding as Aya (who is wearing a pretty white dress) and her parents are there to congratulate them. Aya wishes her teachers to be happy.
A few moments later, Aya is chatting with her parents when Haruto arrives wearing a tuxedo to which Aya makes a comment. It's now time for the bride's bouquet to be thrown and Aya happens to catch it surprising her as Haruto looks on.
Later, Aya, Haruto and her parents are leaving the church grounds as Shioka and Mizuo leave Aya in Haruto's care. Aya manages to give him the [love] letter she wrote as the wedding bells happen to ring. Haruto turns to look at the church as Aya stares sadly at his back.
Later, Shioka and Mizuo are wheeling Aya back to her hospital room when Aya starts choking. Dr. Mizuno hurriedly comes to her aid. Meanwhile, Haruto is walking on the bridge when he remembers Aya's letter and decides to read it there. In Jhunon hospital, Aya is struggling to talk with her parents and Dr. Mizuno.
Haruto continues reading Aya's letter and his face turns more serious. Meanwhile, Aya starts to cry as she tells her parents about breaking up with Haruto. In the letter to Haruto, Aya thanks him for supporting her and always being by her side but also realizing that she has no future with him. Haruto is brought to tears as he nears the end of the letter. In the envelope, he finds the pink dolphin necklace he gave Aya returned to him.
In the hospital, Shioka asks Aya why she is giving up but Aya asks them if she could ever get married. There is no answer and Aya understands her position. Mizuo can't control his emotions and runs out of the room to cry outside.
Meanwhile, a heartbroken Haruto returns home as Dr. Aso asks him what's wrong. Haruto is holding Aya's letter and gazes sadly back at his father telling him that he, as always, was right. Shioka tries to reason with Aya but she pushes her away crying as Dr. Mizuno looks on saddened.
Episode 11:
Pictures from Aya's Diary
    These are the only pics from Aya's diary but you can really see her innocence and earnest desire to live. Hope you enjoy the pics! |
Introduction to Kito Aya and Her Diary:
木藤亜也(Aya Kito)(July 1962 - May 23, 1988) went into eternal sleep at the age of 26, surrounded by flowers as she wished and left on her journey. Her diary, namely 1リットルの涙(1 litre of tears) was then published after her death and series was too filmed based on her real life story which is recorded in her diaries.
Aya Kito was diagnosed with a disease called Spinocerebellar ataxia when she was 15 years old. The disease causes the person to lose control over their body, but because the person can retain all mental ability the disease acts as a prison. Aya discovers this disastrous news as the disease has already developed. There is no cure. Through family, medical examinations and rehabilitations, and finally succumbing to the disease, Aya must cope with the disease and live on with life until her death at the age of 26.
Pictures of Kito Aya when she was alive and struggling for her life
Chapter 1 14 Years Old (1976-77) - My Family
Mary Died
Today is my birthday. How big I've grown! I think I should thank Mom and Dad. I'm determined to get better grades and be much more healthier so that I won't disappoint them. That's part of the reason why I want to enjoy the prime of my life. I don't want to have anything to regret in the future. I'm going to a school camp the day after tomorrow. I must study hard to finish my homework, otherwise I won't feel free. Keep it up, Aya!Tiger, the neighbors' fierce dog, bit Mary on the neck, and she died. Tiger is big, but Mary was very small. She went up to him wagging her short tail to show she was friendly.
"Mary, no! COME BACK!" I shouted desperately, but . . . She died without being able to cry out. That must have been so frustrating for her. If she hadn't been born a dog, she wouldn't have had to die so soon. Mary, I hope you'll be happy wherever you are!
Our new house is finished. The bug room on the east side of the second floor is like a castle for me and my younger sister, Ako. It has a white ceiling and the walls are brown veneer. The scenery through the windows is different from what I'm used to. I'm happy we have our own room, but a big room makes me feel a bit lonely. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight?
Starting in a fresh mood!
1. I should wear T-shirts and pants (more comfortable for moving around in).
2. Daily tasks:
*Watering the garden
*Weeding
*Checking if there are any insects on the backs of the leaves of the tomato plant I planted
*Checking for lice on the leaves of the chrysanthemums and getting rid of any I find at once
3. I mustn't neglect my studies!
4. Besides all these, I should record what happens everyday in my diary . . . without fail.
I order myself to do all these things.
Chapter 1 14 Years Old (1976-77) - My Family II
My Family
Dad: 41 years old. He's a bit impetuous, but sweet.
Mom: 40 years old. I respect her, but she's tough when she goes right to the heart of the matter.
Me: 14 years old. At the start of adolescence. A delicate age. A crybaby, in short. Emotion incarnate. Simple girl. Loses temper easily, but also laughs easily.
Ako: 13 years old. I have a sense of rivalry with her in terms of both study and personality. But these days she has me under pressure.
Hiroki: 12 years old. A tough customer. Formidable. He's younger than me, but he sometimes seems more like an elder brother. He's also Koro the dog's foster father.
Kentaro: 11 years old. He has a rich imagination but can be careless.
Rika: 2 months old. She has Mom's curly hair and Dad's face (her eyes in particular, the hands of the clocl pointing to eight twenty). Very cute!
Chapter 2 15 years Old (1977-78) - Illness Creeping Up
Signs of Something
Recently, I seem to be getting skinnier. I wonder if it's because I've been skipping meals to do all my homework and independent research? Even when I think of doing something I can't carry it out, and that gets me into trouble. I blame myself, but I can't make any progress. I'm just wasting energy. I want to put on a bit of weight. I'll try to take action starting tomorrow so that my plans won't be ruined.
It was drizzling. "I hate going to school holding an umbrella as well as carrying my heavy schoolbag and another bag." Just as I was thinking this, my knees suddenly seemed to collapse and I fell over on a narrow graveled road. I was only about 100 metres away from home.I banged my chin hard. I touched it gently and found my fingers were covered with blood. I picked up my bags and umbrella that were scattered on the road and retraced my steps back home.
"Have you forgotten something?" Mom called as she came out into the entrance hall. "You'd better hurry up or you'll be late! . . . Oh dear, what happened?"
All I did was cry. I couldn't say anything. Mom quickly wiped my blood face with a towel. There was some grit in the cut.
"I think this is a job for the doctor," said Mom. She quickly helped change out my wet clothes and firmly applied a plaster to the cut. Then we jumped into the car.
I had two stitches without any anesthesia. It was all a result of my clumsiness, so I tried to bear the pain with my teeth clenched. But, more important, I'm sorry, Mom-because of me you had to take a day off work.
Looking at my painful chin in the mirror, I wondered why I didn't put my arms forward to break my fall. Was it because my athletic ability is poor? I was pleased, however, that the cut was at the back of my chin. (If I had a scar in some more visible place, that future would be a closed book for me in terms of marriage.)
My physical education scores so far:
First grade at junior high-3
Second grade-2
Third grade-1
How disappointing! Lack of effort? I was hoping to gain a bit more strength with the circuit training during the summer holiday. But I failed. I didn't do it long enough. So I suppose it's not surprising. (Of course it isn't! = The mystery voice of my other self.)
This morning, the sunlight and a pleasant breeze were coming in through the yellow lace curtains on the kitchen window. I was crying.
"I wonder why it's only me that's so poor in athletic ability?"
In fact, we had a balance beam test today.
"But you're good at other subjects, so it's all right, isn't it?" Mom said, looking down. "In the future, you can make the most of your ability in your favorite subject. You're very good at English. So why don't you try and thoroughly master that? It's the international language, so I'm sure it'll be useful in the future. It doesn't matter if your score for PE is only 1 . . ."
I stopped crying. Mom made me realize that I still have some hope.
I'm becoming more and more weepy. And my body won't move the way I want it to. Am I getting a fluster because I'm lazy about doing my homework, which I could only finish if I spent five hours a day on it? No. Something inside my body seems to be going wrong.
I'm scared!
I have a feeling that tightens my heart.
I want to get more exercise.
I want to run with all my might.
I want to study.
I want to write neatly.
I think Paul Mauriat's Toccata is really nice. I've grown very fond of it. When I play it while I'm eating meals, the food tastes so good, it's like a dream.
Now, about Ako, one of my sisters. Up to now, I've only noticed the ill-natured of her character. But now I can see that she's actually very kind. Why do I think that? Well, I'm very slow when we walk to school in the morning, but she always stays with me. My brothers just walk on ahead and leave me behind. But when we were crossing a pedestrian bridge, Ako took my schoolbag off me and said, "Aya you'd better hold the handrail while you go up."
I'm pretty well out of the summer holiday mood now.
As I was going upstairs after clearing up the dinner things, Mom said, "Aya, can you come and sit down for a moment?" She looked very serious. I became tense, wondering what she was going to tell me off about.
"Aya," she said, "you seem to be walking with your upper body leaning forward and you're rolling to the right and left. Have you noticed that yourself? I've noticed you've been doing that for a while, and it's beginning to worry me. Shall we go to the hospital for a checkup?"
". . . Which hospital?" I asked after a pause.
"I'll find one that can give you a thorough examination. Leave it up to me. All right?"
My tears flowed nonstop. I really wanted to say, "Thank you, Mom. I'm sorry for causing you such anxiety." But I was stuck for words.
Since Mom has suggested I should go to a hospital, I've been wondering if there really is something wrong with me.
Is it because my athletic ability is so poor?
Is it because I stay up late?
Is it because I eat irregularly?
I couldn't help crying as I was asking myself those questions. I cried so much, my eyes hurt.
Chapter 2 15 years Old (1977-78) - Illness Creeping Up II
Seeing The Doctor
I go to the hospital in Nagoya with my mother. (Written by Aya in English).
We left at 9 a.m. Rika, my baby sister, wasn't feeling well, but she had to go to her nursery school anyway because I was going to the hospital . . . poor girl!
We arrived at Nagoya University Hospital at 11 a.m. We had to wait for about three hours. I tried to read a book, but I was feeling nervous. I couldn't concentrate as much as usual because I was feeling rather worried.
"I rang Professor Itsuro Sofue (now Director of Chubu National Hospital)," Mom said, "I'm sure you'll be all right."
But . . .
At last my name was called out. My heart was beating fast. Mom explained my problems to the doctor:
1. I fell over and cut my chin. (A normal person would put out their arms to break the fall, but my face hit the ground directly.)
2. The way I walk is unstable. (I can't bend my knees much.)
3. I've been losing weight
4. My movements are slow. (I've lost the ability to move quickly.)
Listening to her, I was amazed. Mom is always moving around so busily, but now I know that she's been observing me very carefully! She knew everything about me . . . That made me feel more secure. So, the things I've secretly been worried about have been conveyed to a doctor. My worries will be solved.
I sat on a round chair and looked at the doctor. He was wearing glasses. He had a gentle look and a warm smile, so I felt relieved. He asked me to close my eyes, stretch out both my hands and try to make my forefingers meet. Then I had to stand on one leg. Then I lay down on a bed and he stretched and bent my legs. He patted my knees with a hammer. I was totally under his thumb. Then the examination was over.
"Now let's take a CT scan," he said.
"Aya," said Mom, "it won't hurt you or anything. It's only a machine tat checks ur brain by cutting it in round slices."
"What! Cutting my brain in round slices?"
That's a very serious matter to the person being scanned! A big machine slowly came down from above. My head was completely covered. It was as if I was riding in space. A man in a white frock said, "Lie down still and don't move." I lay still just as I was told. Then I began to feel sleepy.
After the examination, we were kept waiting for a long time. Then we got some medicine and went home.
I have added one more order to my list:
I won't complain about taking medicine-even if it's enough to fill up my stomach-so long as it makes me better. Dr. Sofue at the prestigious Nagoya University Hospital, I beg you, please help to save the life of Aya, the budding beauty. You told me that I should only go and see you once a month because the hospital's far away and I have to go to school. Well, I'll definitely come and see you, and I will do whatever you tell me to do. So please make me better, I beg you!
Chapter 3 16 Years Old (1978-79) - The Start of Distress
The wheelchair
"Aya," said Mom, "we're going to buy you a vehicle!"
"What!?"
She started explaining slowly. "The corridor has a handrail, but it may be dangerous when you want to go across. From a stand position, you'll have to sit down, crawl across, and then stand up again. This may cause you some anxiety when you're in hurry. And you often all over when you're changing your position. You won't be able to go outside, either, even if you want to. But it would be different if you had an electric wheelchair. You could easily operate it despite the weakness of your arms, and you won't have any problems even on slopes. It can move at speed of 5 kilometres per hour - the same as walking. So there's no danger, and it's very easy to operate. I think it would be perfect for you. But that doesn't mean you should get lazy, you know. It's not good to start relying on a wheel chair. You'll have to try to move using your own efforts as well. You mustn't neglect that. Have you been training properly?"
I was so pleased with the thought that i could freely go out. My world suddenly seemed to get wider. I've always wanted to act at my own direction. Up to now at a bookstore, I've had to show someone a memo with the title of a book written on it and ask them to go and find it for me. Fancy being able to pick up any book with my own hands! It's like a dream.
Great! I'll master the operation of the wheel chair and go out in it before I enter the school for handicapped.
Two men from a car maker delivered my wheelchair. I watched them assemble it. The wheels are moved by a motor. It has two batteries installed next to each other down below the seat.
"Aya, you have a ride. All you have to do is hold this bar and move it in the direction you want to go."
I tried sitting in the wheelchair. I pushed the bar forward slightly and the wheelchair slowly moved forward. It only makes a slight wound when it moves and turns. I practiced hard, but after a while, the tears started to flow-that's my nature, and I hate it!
"What's the matter?" Mom asked.
"I'm just so happy because I can move around again freely after such a long time!" I answered. But I couldn't express my complicated feelings very well.
I'm determined to practice until I can to get a bookstore. When I looked out through window, it was raining.
I worked very hard, including wiping the kitchen floor and cleaning the toilet. I wanted to vent my energy on something. My study is making a little progress. (I smile in glee, finding that I still have the spirit to study.) Rika calls my wheelchair 'The Chair' and my father calls it 'The Car'. And that's what it is in Japanese-kurumaisu-'a car-chair'!
I still remember something that happened when I was in the first grade of high school. Rika was about to play around with some wheelchairs lined up the corridor of the hospital. Mom said to her, "You shouldn't play around with wheelchairs. It's an insult to those who can only get around but riding in one/
I read about the prisoners in the German concentration camp of Auschwitz in the book Man's Search for Meaning. The book's a record of their experiences. Somehow, as a disabled person, I empathize with them. My experience seems to resemble theirs in terms of gradually becoming numbed.
Chapter 3 - The Start of Distress II
Friends of The Disabled
'Tanpopo no Kai' (The Dandelion Association) is a group of disabled people who got together somehow or other. They took me to a coffee shop called Baroque which has a harpsichord. When I said, "I'd like to come here again when it's being played," Yamaguchi-san smiled.
I dropped by Jun's house. She's deaf, but she actively communicates through sign language. Her facial expressions are very cute. I've learned a little sign language. I want to become better at it and become a close friend. Jun's mother gives an impression very similar to Mom's.
What I've Learned from My Friends
1. If I remain timid, thinking I'm disabled, I'll never be able to change myself!
2. Rather than seeking after what you've lost, improve what you've been left with.
3. Don't think you're smart or you'll only feel miserable.
Chapter 3 - The Start of Distress III
Changing Schools, Life in A Dormitory
I arrived at the dormitory with a car full of household goods. The other students were also returning ready for the new term. The school has big rooms laid out like classrooms. Inside each one, there's an aisle running down the middle. It divides the room into left and right parts, on which there are tatami mats. Each student is provided with a cupboard and a fixed desk with a lamp. My new castle is the place nearest to the closet. Mom sorted out the things we'd taken to make my place comfortable.
"You won't need this yet," she said, "so I'll put it in the upper cabinet. But I'll put this near you because you often use it . . ."
The mothers of other students were also busily sorting things out. Nobody seemed interested in me. Whether that's good or bad . . .
"You should try and forget Higashi High School as soon as possible," Suzuki-sensei told me, "and become a student of Okayo (Aichi Prefectural Okazaki High School for the Physically Challenged.)"
So in order to 'forget as soon as possible', I removed my Higashi school badge and class badge and put the at the back of the drawer,
It's becoming really difficult now to move my legs forward. Holding desperately on to the handrail along the side of the corridor, I told myself "Don't be afraid, don't be afraid!" Tears came to my eyes as I thought, sadly, "I may perhaps . . . "
B-sensei's words flew over to me: "People are designed to be able to walk!"
I agree!
I empathize!
It's an unparalleled declaration of war!
"Climb Mt. Niitaka!" (the signal to start the attack on Pearl Harbor)
I fell over on the way to the classroom and started crying. A-sensei was just passing and assked me, "Are you sad?"
"I'm not sad," I replied, "just disappointed."
Why do people stand and walk on two legs? This is usually taken as a matter of course. The question came to me as I watched my friends walking briskly into the distance. Walking is really something . . .
I'm glad that I came here.
-Watching students playing baseball under the window . . .
-Watching students practicing sumo wrestling with the teachers . . .
But, getting accustomed to it is something else. I sometimes feel I'm in limbo. I've beun to accept the fact that I'm no longer a student of Higashi High. But I don't really feel that I'm a student of Okayo yet. If some stranger asked me, "Which school do you go to?", I wonder what I'd answer?
*this is the picture of Aya's handwriting, as you can she wrote it strongly with fervent hope. (the handwriting written by Aya in this diary entry)*
Chapter 3 - The Start of Distress IV
Emotional Turmoil
In the classroom, I said to A-sensei, "In my dream, when I stretched my back straight, I was able to walk briskly. You were pleased to see me doing that."
"Up to now," he said, "you've only had to think about your studies. But now you may be having a hard time with cleaning and other duties."
He then told me this:
"A child suffering from progressive muscular dystrophy wrote this poem:
God presented me with a handicap
Because He believed
I had the power to endure it
It somehow sounds like Hitler's words."
"Well," I replied, "I've actually had similar absurd thoughts, like 'I'm kind of mutation' or 'I'm only living here at the cost of many people.' And I've taken various viewpoints and thought many different things in order to comfort myself." After the rain, I could see a rainbow from the window. It formed a beautiful semicircle. I quickly climbed into my wheelchair to go outside.
"I envy someone who can ride in a wheelchair," said T-kun.
Hey, T-kun, I'll stick pins in your image!
I really wanted to say to him, "You're all right because you can walk." But I couldn't say it. The words might have ruined that beautiful rainbow.
Either Mom or Dad comes to collect me every Saturday. I stay at home overnight and then come back here on Sunday evening. I always have a fresh bruise somewhere on my body when I go home.
"Do you often fall over?" Mom asks me when she sees them.
"Well, because I'm so slow, I'm always pressed for time," I reply. "I ask the dormitory matron to wake me up at 4 a.m. and then I start studying. Otherwise I can't finish my daily duties . . . But the more I try to hurry, the stiffer my body gets, and I fall over."
With the motto "I must walk as much as I can!", I try not to use the wheelchair apart from when I go outside. But when I'm in a hurry or when I want to go to the library-which is located rather a long way away-=I use it to save time.
I'll accept commuting to school in the wheelchair! (To be honest, when I ride in it, I tend to think, 'I'm done for. I can't walk any more.' And that makes me feel more miserable.)
I met the matron in the corridor.
"Good morning," I said.
"Oh, Aya," she replied, "are you going in your wheelchair? It's comfy, isn't it?"
It was so frustrating to hear her say that. I had a chocking feeling and could hardly breathe.
What do you mean, 'comfy?' Do you think I like to ride in a wheelchair? No! What I want to do is walk. I'm very distressed that I can't walk. I suffer a lot from that fact! Do you think I ride in a wheelchair because I want to have an easy time?
I felt like pulling out my hair.
Mom's gray hairs are getting more conspicuous. Perhaps it's because my condition has taken a step backward.
Chapter 3 - The Start of Distress V
Understanding The Disabled
Today we held a small Sports Day at school. The warm May sunshine felt so good. It was also Mother's Day and my younger sister's birthday. So it was a day for congratulations.
I rang Emi, my cousin who lives in Okazaki, to ask her to visit me. I wanted her to know how desperately I'm trying to live . . . Emi and I have been close since our childhood. We used to stay at each other's house during the summer or winter holidays and share the same futon. She looked so nice that nobody would have thought she was still a third grader at high school. She has big eyes with long eyelashes and she'd decorated her twisted hair with a gold hairpin. She was wearing a while blouse, a flared skirt, and red slip-on sandals with high heels. She came with Kaori, her younger sister, who is rather boyish and, in fact, is often mistaken for a boy.
There's a secret patch over clover in the corner of the playground. The three of us planted ourselves down and started to look for a four-leafed clover. I wanted to fine one as a present for Mom.
"I wonder if we can really find one?" Said Emi.
I replied what had been in my mind for some time. "A four-leafed clover is just a deformed version of a normal three-leafed one, right? Why should something deformed be lucky?"
Emi thought about this a little, and then said, "Because it's unique."
Perhaps she's right. It's not so easy to find happiness. I suppose that's why we feel happy and say "Good thing we tried to find one!" when someone eventually does.
I fell over this morning and hurt myself. It made me cry. I have to become much stronger. I don't know whether it was because I was in a hurry or just rushing. When I tried to move my legs forward, they wouldn't move, and so my body tumbled forward. I caught the handrail, but it didn't support me enough. Down I went with a thud.
When I was being carried on a stretcher along the corridor to the nurse's room, I caught a glimpse of the blue sky.
"Oh," I thought, "it's such a long time since I saw the blue sky lying on my back!"
And when I was lying on the bed in the nurse's room, I could see the sky through the windows again. The white clouds looked very beautiful as they drifted across the blue sky. Right, in the future, whenever I'm stuck, I'll look at the sky. In the Sukiyaki song, Kyu Sakamoto sang, "I look up as I walk along, so my tears won't fall . . ."
That's good, that's the spirit.
I slept well for about an hour. I felt much better, so I got up and went to the toilet (the Western-style one). In the toilet, it struck me that perhaps Auguste Rodin came up with the idea of creating The Thinker when he was sitting in a toilet.
I'm always defeated by the fact I move so slowly.
Yesterday, it was my turn to do library duty. I eventually got there after taking about 20 minutes using the corridor on the second floor. But there was nobody there. I was too late. Half crying, I borrowed Wild Animals I Have Known by Ernest Thompson Seton. I cried, even though I knew I could contact the dormitory using the interphone if I was shut in the library.
Today I got there at about 4 o'clock. The student on duty sent me away saying, "Please leave quickly! If you wanted to look for a book, you should have come earlier."
Resentment! I felt pitiful. I'm twice as slow as the others, so I don't have time to spare. It takes too much time to do ordinary things (e.g. washing). It's not a matter of lacking good ideas and intentions.
Today we went on an excursion to the zoo. I don't like zoos anymore.
-The sad face of an orangutan. (I've heard that orangutans are nervous animals that easily get neurotic.)
-A chimpanzee throwing stones.
-A pelican who can't even catch a fish
-A battered ostrich.
Looking at all those creatures I got tired and depressed.
I hate the duty roster system at the dormitory. But I suppose it can't be helped because without it group life couldn't operate . . . Because I'm slow, I'm always one or two steps behind everyone else for any activities we do together.
In order to cover up my slowness, I finished cleaning half the room before I went for the radio gymnastic exercises in the morning. But when I got back, the room leader suddenly said, "Aya, you can't clean the room, can you? So take care of the towels and disposal boxes in the toilet!" I was frustrated that I didn't argue back when she jumped to the conclusion that I couldn't do it.
'Forgive everything, bear the unbearable, endure the unendurable . . .' In some ways, the teachings of God distress me. It's that way of thinking that has made me weak.
If I could move my body faster, I'd have been happy to go and clean the toilet. But I couldn't clearly express my opinion. I left the room without saying anything (although I was thinking, "You rat!").
As soon as I went out, I felt bitter and I started crying., The matron was just passing and said, "Aya, you know you shouldn't cry while living in a community like this."
What can I do?
I went home. I cleaned the parakeet cage. When I was walking, I felt a slight pain in the inner side of my left hip joint. I sighed, thinking that now my important left leg is breaking down . . . I was horrified to see the unnatural movement of my left hand (the five fingers move individually when I open my hand or bend them). I also have a pain on the left side of my chest, in the joints of my arms, and in my right buttock. Perhaps I hit myself in the wrong place when I fell over. I should put a poultice on again.
My right leg and knee sting. Finally . . . In the bath, I stroke them, murmuring, "I banged my lower back and shoulders when I fell over. Poor body, damaged all over!"
From today, I'll try to walk for 10 minutes every day. Here I am challenging my self to see how far I can walk! At this rate, I won;t be able to maintain a human elevation of 1.2 meters (the height of my eyes when I'm standing) when I'm in the third grade of high school.
I asked one of the students to show me photos of the third grade school excursion. I wonder if I'll be able to join the excursion next year?
In order to understand that I'm a disabled person:
1. Giving up. I must know my limitations and admit that I have a physical handicap. I'll make an effort from that starting point
2. Forgetting my healthy past self. I can run in my dream. According to Sigmund Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams, I have an incredibly strong desire (that's only a matter of course).
Tomorrow's the day for our student dance performance. I'm still lacking full awareness of being disabled, so I've been trying to dance beautifully. Actually, I think that spirit is wrong. I've practiced hard, but it hasn't gone very well.
As I was coming back today, feeling wrecked, the wheelchair motor at a low speed began to sound as if it was suffering as well.
"Am I so heavy? I'm sorry. Keep at it!"
I felt responsible for my weight of 35 kilograms.
Am I in high spirits today? No way. I'm just doing my duties because it can't be helped. I went to take part in the radio gymnastic exercises, had a meal, did some washing, took out the rubbish, attended the roll call . . .
The matron said "It's busy in the morning, isn't it?"
I wished I could have answered calmly, "I'll be busy the whole life." But my face just froze.
I think it's only when people are walking that they can really think of themselves as being human. For example, a company presidents thinks about ways of making more money while walking back and forth in front of his desk. And maybe that's why lovers often talk about their future while walking along together?
Suzuki-sensei's eyes
Remind me of an elephant's eyes;
A guardian deity in India,
An elephant knows everything.
I love those gentle eyes.
I was in a daydream in the classroom. All by myself . . . I remember being told off by my teacher for running along the corridor and rattling my desk when I was at elementary school! I remember a boy having his bottom spanked for jumping out into corridor through the classroom windows. I couldn't do a practical joke like that. I only watched with a smile on my face. I should have done things like that while I could.
Jumping out through the window . . . No one was there. It was quiet. There was a windows and there I was.
THUMP!
"What the hell are you doing? That's dangerous."
The nurse's room had to help me again. A-sensei referred me as "a girl with self-injurious behavior." It was painful, but I had the satisfaction of going out through the window even if I had to crawl.
I won't do it again.
I was hoping that the movements of my body would get a bit better as it got warmer. But in fact they're getting worse. I was hoping to enter the hospital during the summer holiday to benefit again from some new medicine, so I went to see.
Cold words . . . I can't enter the hospital during summer holiday because they won't have any new medicine . . . I felt that I even medical science had given up on me! It was like being pushed off a cliff. Now I'm filled with a sense of despair. It's as though I've been hit on the back of the head with a hammer . . .
Chapter 4 17 Years Old (1979-80) - "I can't even sing anymore . . ."
For my birthday, Mom and Dad gave me five lovely notebooks and letter sets. Ako gave me a sand-glass. Hiroki gave me a blod-tipped ballpoint pen with four colors. He said I shouldn't cry any more that I'm 17. Kentaro gave me a book titled Shiroi hito, Kiiroi hito (White People, Yellow People) written by Shusaku Endo.
My Wishes on Becoming 17 Years OldI want to go to a bookstore and a record shot. It's difficult even in my wheelchair. I can't move my hands the way I want to, and I often make mistakes operating it.
If I could go to a bookstore, I'd buy Gone with the Wind and Anya Koro (A Dark Knight's Passing) by Naoya Shiga.
If I could go to a record shop, I'd buy an LP of Paul Mauriat's music.
I tumbled in the bathroom. I couldn't stay balanced on tiptoe (I may no longer be able to do that) and I fell down on my bottom with a thud. I wasn't hurt but I was scared. Yes, I'm scared.
I wonder if my disease can heal naturally? I'm now 17. I wonder how many more years I'll have to fight against it until God forgives me . . . I can't imagine myself at the same age as Mom is now (42). I couldn't imagine becoming a second grader at Higashi High, and now I'm afraid I may not be able to live till I'm 42. But I want to still be alive at that age!
Chapter 4 - "I can't even sing anymore . . ." II
Homecoming
I felt so happy thinking about going home for my first summer holiday from this school that I couldn't get to sleep. I'm sorry I can't enter the hospital again because they can't get any new medicine. But I think my new medicine in the future will be in tablet form rather than injections. I was told that they're making an effort to produce it, so all I can do is give up and wait.Just before lunchtime, an old man came to the house.
"I'm from Heiankaku Wedding Hall," he said. "Can I talk to your mother?"
"My mother and father are both out," replied my brother.
Five minutes later, we had a second visitor, a small middle-aged woman.
"I'm from Heiankaku . . ."
"Oh, your colleague came a few times ago," I shouted from upstairs.
"Is that your grandmother?" asked the woman.
My brother, who was at the door, burst out laughing.
"She spoke very slowly," the woman said, "so I assumed she was . . ."
Give me a break! Am I a 17 year-old grandmother . . .?
At dinner, my sister told mom about this episode. I felt so miserable. It annoys me so much to be told I have a disability. It's clear I haven't really admitted yet that I'm disabled.
I helped Mom prepare dinner.
She said to me, "Could you mix the Chinese chives and meat to make some gyoza dumplings?"
Ugh! Making gyoza dumplings? Involuntarily, I made a face. (I hate gyoza.) Still, it was all right, because the main course was chirashi zushi (a kind of sushi with the ingredients chopped and scattered over a bed of vinegared rice) . . .
As I was breaking four eggs and putting them in the pan to make some scrambled eggs, I suddenly thought about I-sensei. When she wanted to cook some rice in the morning, she would wake up and switch on the rice cooker instead of using the timer. I admired her because she didn't rely on machines. When we were making breakfast at school camp, she noticed I was coughing (I'd choked on some tea). She came over and stroked my back. She was a very gentle teacher . . .
When I was cooling the rice for the sushi using an electric fan, I put the pot between my legs and got burn marks about two centimetres long inside both thighs. I thought they looked rather beautiful-a slightly reddish color.
The members of Tanpopo no Kai (the group of handicapped people) work during the day and then get together in the evening to produce a mimeographed copy of their magazine called Chikasui (Underground Water). When I rang the group and told them I was staying at home for summer holiday, they invited me to join them.
"Mom is it only bad girls who go out in the evening?"
"Well, I suppose it's all right as long as you're with good people," she replied. "But isn't it a bit dangerous to go out in the dark?"
At 8 p.pm., Yamaguchi-san arrived in a car to pick me up.
Before I went out, I said to Dad "I'll be back soon."
He was lying on the sofa in the Japanese room watching television. He had had a drink with his dinner and his face was rather red. "Aya," he replied, "I'm rather worried about you going out in the evening. In the future I think you should only go out in the daytime."
I was so pleased to hear him say that. Actually it was a bit of surprise to hear advice from Dad. He doesn't usually interfere with his children. He puts on airs, but he's really a shy person. I prefer him when he's a bit drunk to he's sober.
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