Chapter 4 - "I Can't Even Sing Anymore . . ." VII
A Speech Disorder
I'm having difficulty pronouncing the ma, wa and ba columns of the kana syllabary, and also the syllable n. During the chemistry class, I was called on to reply. I knew the answer was mainasu (minus) but I couldn't pronounce it. My mouth can form the correct shape, but I can't utter a sound. Only air comes out. That's why I can't make my self understood.
These days, I often talk to myself. Up to now, I didn't like doing that because I thought it made me sound stupid, but I think I'll try more now. It's good for practice for my mouth. Whether there's anyone else there or not, I'm speaking . . .
I thought of running as a candidate for the position of Secretary of the Student Council. I entered the same race when I was in the fifth grade at elementary school. There'll be a public debate between the candidates, so I must do some speech training. Ah, there are so many things to do, including training and studying. I'm up to my neck in it. Good grief!
I remember having a big fight with one of my classmates during those elementary school days. One day, I went for a walk to the square with my dog Kuma. My classmate was there with her elder brother and their dog. The fight started because she set her dog on Kuma.
"Why did you do that?" I asked her.
"Because my brother told me to do it," she replied.
I got really mad and said, "So would you commit murder without a second thought if your brother told you to do it? He isn't always right, is he?" (It's the kind of logic I learned from Mom.)
But she wouldn't stop her dog. Then a big fight between us humans broke out. It was so fierce! It was so intense! I didn't stop even when my head was pushed into a ditch. My younger brother and sister backed me up.
Yes, with such power and such a sense of justice, Aya should definitely run for a position on the Student Council.
My speech disorder is becoming more conspicuous. When it comes to conversation, both parties now need lots of time and patience. I can't say, "Er, excuse me . . ." while trying to pass someone. I can't have a proper conversation unless both the person I'm trying to talk to and I prepare ourselves for listening and talking. I can't even express moments of pleasure by saying things like "The sky is beautiful. The clouds look like ice cream."
I get very frustrated.
I get annoyed.
I feel miserable.
I feel sad.
And, in the end, tears fall from my eyes.
I got almost 90% the same experiences and symptoms like Aya. I cried almost all the time watching the video. Fortunately i just got Chiari Malformations. It has been 6 years living as a handicap after 3 years graduated. Currently i am struggling doing physiotheraphy in order to maintain. I refused to do surgery since doctor said 50-50 successful rate, it is just to slow the symptoms, not to heal. It has been 3 years i do graphic design..i am really grateful i still can use my nails. It really makes me feel better. I used to work as a teacher, interior designer, a calligrapher,a mural painter, weekly go to gym, actively play badminton and table tennis, win few traditional singing competitions. Now, everything are just sweet memories.. Everyday is a process to learn new things and accept my “new me". Thank you very much for sharing Aya's diary.i really appreciate it. Najwa (Malaysia)
ReplyDeleteBe strong najwa,tidak kira apapun terjadi u not alone, truskan perjuangan hidup jgn sesekali menoleh atau berhenti, apa pun yg terjadi adalah rencana tuhan ,ttp kan dalam diri kmu positif tawaqal,wlaupn kmu rasa dri kamu bru atau kurang jgn risau org di sekliling kmu akan nmpk kelebihan dlm diri kamu,jgn mudah patah semangat,sya x kenal kamu dn kamu tidak kenal sya,tpi sya yakin setiap mnusia adalah sma ,wlau mcm mna pn keadaan kmu sya ttp akan sokong kamu semoga tuhan sentiasa bersama kamu dan semoga hidup kamu dipermudah kan ,be strong oke...kenapa seorang budak yg hnya berumur 15 tahun boleh kuat sdgkan kamu tidak, so truskan usha anggap diri kamu tdk sakit lawan segala kesakitan yg kamu hadapi,sya harap kmu akan sihat suatu hari nty dont skip ur meal, always do the treatment mkn ubat oke...smoga sihat di kmudiaan hari ,(sya harap kamu nampak chat yg sya balas ni) for najwa only for you - I LOVE YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE I DONT CARE TAKE CARE YA...
ReplyDelete